City Denounces 49ers For Comcast Outage

Trigger Warning: Satire Ahead

At a special meeting today, the Santa Clara City Council approved, 4-2, a Stern Rebuke and Admonition against the 49ers for what they say was the NFL team's role in the Wednesday's Comcast outage.

"We are completely outraged," said the Mayor.

"First they undermine our day-lengthening initiative, which would have benefitted all Santa Clara residents, and now they cut off our internet, hurting our most vulnerable residents. I don't know what's next. Maybe they're going to say the earth isn't flat."

When asked by a reporter how the team could "turn off" Comcast's internet and cable TV service, the mayor replied, "Because of their mismanagement, the stadium is sucking up all the pixels or whatever so there's none left for our residents."

The Mayor ended the discussion, saying that she didn't have time to talk to "newsy thingys."

Speaking from an igloo off the grid, the Councilmember from Antarctica District said, "Our kids can't do their homework because they're being starved of the digibits they need. This is disgusting."

A second Councilmember weighed in.

"When we used to get our digibits and pixels over the telephone— and that was so long ago that many of you here probably can't remember when you needed to have a telephone number and a wire to get to the internet through Netscape — it was easier to control where they were going, but now when they're just all mixed up in your cable TV — which many people are dropping now anyway — you can't figure out who's getting what and then there's the whole problem of where to park them when they're not being used and it's very hard to know what's going on, but I think we have to hold the 49ers accountable."

The City Manager announced that the City was launching an $1 million investigation into the matter, saying, "We have hired Rudy Giuliani and he's preparing to travel to Ukraine to investigate."

The Council can expect a full report before the election said the City Manager. "Our communications consultant Alfred E. Neuman is rolling out a citywide education program. We think we will be able to reach the entire city via telegraph."

The City Manager also reported that they are talking to AG William Barr about bringing federal criminal charges against Council dissenters under the Alien and Sedition Act of 1798.

© Carolyn Schuk

City Files New Lawsuit Alleging 49ers Interference in City's Day Lengthening Initiative

Trigger warning: satire ahead

The Santa Clara City Attorney announced this week that the City is filing a new lawsuit against the 49es. The City alleges that the NFL team has interfered with the sun’s rotation around the earth, thereby stalling and ultimately reversing the City's day-lengthening initiative. 

This is the 49th lawsuit the City has filed against the team. 

"This is just another example of their mismanagement," said the Mayor. "It's not a coincidence that the NFL season opened and suddenly the days started getting shorter. We're not surprised they’re throwing their billions around to influence the solar system, helped by the Fake News.”

 The City initially saw good results from the initiative, said the City Manager. “But that started slowing down in July and then it really went in the wrong direction when the pre-season was supposed to start. We asked to see the reports about their astrology operation, but they claimed there was no such thing.” 

Speaking from an secret bunker, the council member from the Southwest-Northeast District weighed in saying, “They’re pushing these lies on small children. I’ve seen textbooks with these lies. These are our kids' minds that are being poisoned.” 

“They just have to stop, along with their media enablers,” said the member from District 9 ¾. “That’s right, I mean you, New York Times. City Attorney, can we arrest the publisher of the New York Times? We should be able to. I mean, this is totally unfair.” 

The City Attorney said that as desirable for public morals as it would be to arrest the NYT publisher for sedition, he didn’t have any jurisdiction over the NYPD. 

The mayor’s council opponents held a press conference, telling news outlets that the move was just more evidence that the mayor and her allies needed to find a new line of work. 

 “I hear that Ringling Brothers is looking for clowns,” said one. “I could give them strong references. They always make me laugh.” 

 Update: A Superior Court judge dismissed the City's complaint late this afternoon saying that "people who still believe the sun revolves around the earth have no right to waste judicial time." The City announced that it will appeal the dismissal. 

© Carolyn Schuk

Rose Garden Becomes Santa Clara's Special District

 Trigger warning: satire ahead

San José Rose Garden residents report that they've started seeing lawn signs for Santa Clara City Council candidates in their neighborhood. 

This is the first step in Santa Clara's Rose Garden annexation, explained the Santa Clara City Mayor in a press conference held yesterday. "We want our Rose Garden citizens to feel they're part of our community," said the Mayor, "and what better way than to invite them to vote in the city." 

Because it's too late to have the County Registrar of Voters send new ballots, Santa Clara is printing and distributing new ballots to its newest citizens, explained the Mayor. 

Many have been asking which district the Rose Garden will be annexed to.

"We feel that we need to recognize the Rose Garden's special-ness by making it a Special District," said the Mayor.  "Residents will be able to vote for all four open Council seats."

Despite the budget deficit, the City has appropriated $200,000 for an education campaign run by spinmeister Alfred E. Neuman, the City's communications and public outreach advisor. Neuman launched the program by spending nine hours reading posts on Weekly World News Santa Clara Edition, InfoWars and Discord — invoicing the City $57,959.12 for the work. 

The education campaign is needed because Rose Garden residents may not know how to vote, the Mayor explained. 

"They're used to voting in San José where they get to choose who to vote for," the Mayor said. "They don't realize that's not the Santa Clara Way." 

To help voters make the right choices, Special District voters will only have one choice for each seat,  said the City Manager. "We have to make it as simple as possible because the media is misleading people with its false narratives about candidates." 

The County Registrar of Voters said that no ballots except those from the ROV office will be counted. 

"Until we're advised through official channels, not that whackadoodle mayor, any strange ballots we receive will go into our 'special' circular file," the Registrar said. "We have a few of those every election — people voting on their own special ballots for the King of Mars and such." 

A Rose Garden resident who was asked what she thought of the annexation replied, "What annexation? If I catch that Q-Anon crank sticking signs in my lawn again, I'm going to shove them up his kiester."

Santa Clara Annexes Rose Garden

Trigger Warning for the Humor Challenged: Satire Ahead 

Santa Clara's Mayor announced that the City is annexing San José's Rose Garden neighborhood, in what the Mayor calls a "liberation action." 

 Two Councilmembers opposed the action, saying that the charter doesn't give the Mayor military powers.

 "Well, it would if it wasn't written by the Illuminati and the 49ers," said the City Attorney. "I'm disgusted to be associated with people who don't understand our Dear Mayor's intrinsic powers." 

Opponents pointed out to the Attorney that the charter was written in 1952 — more than half a century before the 49ers ever showed an interest in Santa Clara. "They were working on their diabolical plans many decades ago," said the Attorney. 

"This is just another example of how Satan-worshipping pedophiles and their dark money is corrupting our city government," said the City Clerk, who said he was going to launch an investigation into whether the dissenting Councilmembers were Reptilians from Mars and thus ineligible to serve on the Council. 

"The Rose Garden is a historical part of Santa Clara and there are thousands of Santa Clarans living under the oppressive hand of San José," said the Mayor. "Nothing has changed for the better for them since the dark days of Dutch Hamann. 

"People are marching across America for the right to be heard and have their votes counted," the Mayor continued. "And yet, right here at home just because Santa Clarans live on the wrong side of a line, they are denied their right to be represented in Santa Clara City Hall." 

The City received a direct appeal from Rose Garden residents, according to the Mayor. "Today the brave patriots of the Keep the Garden Brigade (KGB) and the Soccer Squadron (SS) have launched the liberation action." The mayor plans to lead the troops herself from her Mercedes SUV. 

"I don't know what the big deal is," said the Council Member from District 9¾ (New Hampshire). "It's just a friggin' line. What's your problem, Fake News?" 

 Reportedly, consultants are at work developing distinctive branding for Santa Clara's new paramilitary forces. The designs feature the colors brown and red, representing the fertile land of the Santa Clara Valley and the cherries once grown here. The Mayor is considering a blue uniform for herself, styled after the blue war paint of the Celtic warrior queen Boadicea. 

Last week in a 4-2 vote, the Council approved a $1 million contract with a San Francisco PR firm to develop educational materials about the annexation. When a Councilmember questioned the need for this when the city was facing a $34 million deficit, the City Manager replied that this was part of the Council's Transparency Pillar of governance. 

Called for comment, the Mayor of San José said, "Looney behavior from the Santa Clara Mayor isn't news. Let me know when she gets to University Ave."

Santa Clara City Council Moves To Repeal Law Of Gravity

Trigger warning for the humor-challenged: Satire ahead.

[With a hat tip to a good friend who gave me this idea]

 

Facing a budget in free fall, the Santa Clara City Council is set to approve a November ballot measure to repeal the law of gravity, which its proponents say would cause revenue numbers to ‘fall’ up instead of down. and expense numbers to ‘increase’ down instead of up.

 

Two Council Members panned the notion as disconnected from empirical reality.

 

“You can’t ‘repeal’ the laws of physics, even under the theory of General Relativity,” said one of the naysayers, an engineer. “Classic mechanics still apply in the context of events on planet Earth.”

 

The Council Member also noted that if deficits could be turned into surpluses that easily, many residents wouldn’t be applying for rental assistance.

 

“Dollars are not quantum particles,” added the other opponent of the proposal, a math teacher. “Even kindergarteners know that no cookies can’t be turned into a full cookie jar just because Mommy says it’s full.”

 

The Mayor told the dissenters that they didn’t understand Santa Clara’s Special Physics.

 

“We’re different in Santa Clara. We don’t do things just because other cities do them. It’s the Santa Clara Way. Just because the [air quotes] law of gravity applies in San Jose doesn’t mean it has to apply in our city,” the mayor said.

 

District 9 ¾’s Council Member weighed in via telegraph, explaining that there was no phone service at the Hogwarts NH Station. The meeting had to take a short recess while the City Manager found a retired employee who knew Morse code.

 

“We’re only having this argument because of the fake news calling a minus sign a ‘deficit.’ STOP.  It’s just a stupid dash. STOP. It means whatever we say it means STOP,” the Council Member telegraphed.

 

Another supporter told the dissenters, “I’m just shocked by your disloyalty to our dear, hardworking mayor, who is totally dedicated to making our city better, and all you can do is try to stand in the way. Well it won’t work!"

 

The Council Member then proposed a motion to unseat the dissenters, saying, “We have just had enough of them and it’s time for this to stop. City Attorney, can we start a process to remove them?"

The City Attorney said, that as shameful as the dissenters’ behavior was, “unfortunately the Charter doesn’t allow us to take that step.”

 

Another Council Member pointed out that there was Silicon Valley precedent for the Council’s action. “Look at Uber. Every day they’re turning minus signs into positive cash flow from venture capitalists.”

 

The City Manager told the Council that she would bring back a draft ballot measure as well as an implementation plan at the next meeting. The Manager recommended that the City consider hiring a former Theranos executive to head the project.

 

“Unfortunately, Elizabeth Holmes won’t be available during the timeframe we need,” the manager said, “but there are others who are well qualified to head this project.”

 

The measure passed 4-2.

City to Consider Replacing City Attorney with Legal Zoom as Cost-Cutting Measure

Trigger warning for the humor-challenged: Satire ahead. 

Faced with a $22 million budget deficit, the City Council has been brainstorming ways to balance the books.

“We’re in a unique position to be creative about this because we don’t know anything about municipal operations,” said the mayor.

However, the brainstorming has posed such a strain on council members that it had to be paused for an indefinite period after one council member ran a 104° temperature and another developed what appeared to be Tourette’s Syndrome, although a doctor later said that it was just burnout.

One proposal under serious consideration is a recommendation to replace the city attorney with Legal Zoom.

“This has several advantages,” said the city manager. “First, with an annual fee of $5,000, adopting Legal Zoom would result in $500,000 in savings. Second, it would provide the City with sound legal advice."

Gadfly Rufus Flywheel told the Council they needed to “reimagine and re-vision” the City Attorney’s office. “For example, there’s only one door to the office and it’s designed only for walking into the office.

“There should be a bike path and a bus stop,” he continued, adding that he was “shocked” by the local newspaper’s failure to cover this important issue. “It’s just another example of their bias against me.”

Other proposals under consideration include replacing the City Council with Council-in-a-Box software.

“This would cut millions that is being spent on irrelevant and pointless Council initiatives like the current investigation into whether Jed York’s dog groomer has ties to George Soros,” said a proponent.

A city commissioner suggested that the city also look into Mayor-in-a-Box software and offered to lead the task force to identify options. 

 

“Artificial intelligence is now off-the-shelf technology,” the commissioner said. “So we have an opportunity to upgrade at a very affordable price. We could also add a Roomba at no additional cost.” 

Equine Group Charges Biden Accuser With "Horsenapping"

 An equine advocacy group, Believe The Horses (BTH) is asking the Democratic Party investigate horse kidnapping charges against Biden accuser Tara Reade.

San Jose Inside was one of the first news outlets to report the alleged kidnapping.

“We demand that our voices be finally heard,” said the group’s founder and spokeshorse Mister Ed. “For decades humans like Reade have gotten away with this kind of behavior with impunity because nobody listens when horses talk.”

BTH alleges that Reade kidnapped a horse named Charm from an equine rescue organization without the horse’s consent. Charm says emphatically that she did not give Reade consent and was deeply upset by Reade’s assumption that she, Charm, wanted to be adopted by the human.

When questioned, Reade said that Charm had given hoofed consent, but that she didn’t keep a copy.

“We demand an non-partisan investigation of these charges,” said Ed. “Charm was taken advantage of by a human who used her position as a verbal biped to force herself on a quadruped without the resources to fight back.”

Ed also said that his group was investigating Vladimir Putin’s equine relationships, calling widely distributed photos of the Russian leader on horseback "disturbing," and "at least suggesting sado-masochism." Reade has expressed admiration for Putin and some suspect a connection.

The Democratic Party had no comment. Donald Trump tweeted, "FAK NUWS trying to smeer a desent womin. #gratestprezadintevr."

#BelieveTheHorses