City Files New Lawsuit Alleging 49ers Interference in City's Day Lengthening Initiative

Trigger warning: satire ahead

The Santa Clara City Attorney announced this week that the City is filing a new lawsuit against the 49es. The City alleges that the NFL team has interfered with the sun’s rotation around the earth, thereby stalling and ultimately reversing the City's day-lengthening initiative. 

This is the 49th lawsuit the City has filed against the team. 

"This is just another example of their mismanagement," said the Mayor. "It's not a coincidence that the NFL season opened and suddenly the days started getting shorter. We're not surprised they’re throwing their billions around to influence the solar system, helped by the Fake News.”

 The City initially saw good results from the initiative, said the City Manager. “But that started slowing down in July and then it really went in the wrong direction when the pre-season was supposed to start. We asked to see the reports about their astrology operation, but they claimed there was no such thing.” 

Speaking from an secret bunker, the council member from the Southwest-Northeast District weighed in saying, “They’re pushing these lies on small children. I’ve seen textbooks with these lies. These are our kids' minds that are being poisoned.” 

“They just have to stop, along with their media enablers,” said the member from District 9 ¾. “That’s right, I mean you, New York Times. City Attorney, can we arrest the publisher of the New York Times? We should be able to. I mean, this is totally unfair.” 

The City Attorney said that as desirable for public morals as it would be to arrest the NYT publisher for sedition, he didn’t have any jurisdiction over the NYPD. 

The mayor’s council opponents held a press conference, telling news outlets that the move was just more evidence that the mayor and her allies needed to find a new line of work. 

 “I hear that Ringling Brothers is looking for clowns,” said one. “I could give them strong references. They always make me laugh.” 

 Update: A Superior Court judge dismissed the City's complaint late this afternoon saying that "people who still believe the sun revolves around the earth have no right to waste judicial time." The City announced that it will appeal the dismissal. 

© Carolyn Schuk

Santa Clara Annexes Rose Garden

Trigger Warning for the Humor Challenged: Satire Ahead 

Santa Clara's Mayor announced that the City is annexing San José's Rose Garden neighborhood, in what the Mayor calls a "liberation action." 

 Two Councilmembers opposed the action, saying that the charter doesn't give the Mayor military powers.

 "Well, it would if it wasn't written by the Illuminati and the 49ers," said the City Attorney. "I'm disgusted to be associated with people who don't understand our Dear Mayor's intrinsic powers." 

Opponents pointed out to the Attorney that the charter was written in 1952 — more than half a century before the 49ers ever showed an interest in Santa Clara. "They were working on their diabolical plans many decades ago," said the Attorney. 

"This is just another example of how Satan-worshipping pedophiles and their dark money is corrupting our city government," said the City Clerk, who said he was going to launch an investigation into whether the dissenting Councilmembers were Reptilians from Mars and thus ineligible to serve on the Council. 

"The Rose Garden is a historical part of Santa Clara and there are thousands of Santa Clarans living under the oppressive hand of San José," said the Mayor. "Nothing has changed for the better for them since the dark days of Dutch Hamann. 

"People are marching across America for the right to be heard and have their votes counted," the Mayor continued. "And yet, right here at home just because Santa Clarans live on the wrong side of a line, they are denied their right to be represented in Santa Clara City Hall." 

The City received a direct appeal from Rose Garden residents, according to the Mayor. "Today the brave patriots of the Keep the Garden Brigade (KGB) and the Soccer Squadron (SS) have launched the liberation action." The mayor plans to lead the troops herself from her Mercedes SUV. 

"I don't know what the big deal is," said the Council Member from District 9¾ (New Hampshire). "It's just a friggin' line. What's your problem, Fake News?" 

 Reportedly, consultants are at work developing distinctive branding for Santa Clara's new paramilitary forces. The designs feature the colors brown and red, representing the fertile land of the Santa Clara Valley and the cherries once grown here. The Mayor is considering a blue uniform for herself, styled after the blue war paint of the Celtic warrior queen Boadicea. 

Last week in a 4-2 vote, the Council approved a $1 million contract with a San Francisco PR firm to develop educational materials about the annexation. When a Councilmember questioned the need for this when the city was facing a $34 million deficit, the City Manager replied that this was part of the Council's Transparency Pillar of governance. 

Called for comment, the Mayor of San José said, "Looney behavior from the Santa Clara Mayor isn't news. Let me know when she gets to University Ave."

The family that watches City Council meetings together...

At our house we have a standing date every other Tuesday night. It's not for a romantic dinner and a movie. It's to watch the City Council on TV, by far the most entertaining reality show on Bay Area TV. It's Santa Clara's contribution to the venerable 600 year-old Commedia dell'arte theatrical tradition, featuring a rich assortment of pagliacci (clowns) and our very own Il Capitano Spavento della Valle Inferno (Captain Fright from Hell).

Mercury Dishes the Dirt But Doesn't Ask the Obvious Question

You could say that the South Bay election season doesn't officially begin until the San Jose Mercury News launches its first attack on its favorite local politics bogeyman, Santa Clara. By that criterion, 2008's election began Sunday with the Mercury's Internal Affairs gossip column stoking them old Santa Clara election conspiracy flames with a "he said, she said" story about Kevin Moore's seat.

Moore is running unchallenged for reelection this year, which strikes some as strange when there are eight candidates running for the other three seats.

The story being retailed by Internal Affairs is that Moore asked Mario Bouza not to run against him and to, instead, run for another seat.  A "friend of Bouza's" told IA that he was present when this phone call was received. Bouza also says that Chuck Blair -- currently making a second run against Jamie McLeod, after losing in 2004 -- called him and, I am not making this up, even former Santa Clara mayor Eddie Souza rang Bouza up to lay on the persuasion.

Excuse me, Eddie Souza? 

Souza hasn't been involved in Santa Clara politics for more than 15 years. In my experience, if you want to make sure you never get a return call from Eddie Souza, ask to talk with him about politics. It took me years to persuade him to talk with me, and when we did finally talk it was about the non-profit he helped found, Parents Helping Parents.

Athlete that he is, Moore wasted no time in returning the ball, claiming that Bouza in fact called him.  Chuck Blair seconded Moore, says IA.

Now, I heard part of this tale second hand at least a month ago. Having wasted way too much time in the past chasing mirages of political scandals that existed only in the minds of their beholders, I asked if anyone was willing to a) go on the record, and b) show me proof. No surprise, I never heard any more.

There's more than one thing about these stories that doesn't add up.

Moore beat Bouza by a big margin in 2004 and, if anything, he's even less likely to lose to him this time around. So I have difficulty imagining Moore making such a phone call.

But it's just as hard to imagine Bouza calling Moore. To say exactly…what? Hi, I'm thinking of running against you and was wondering if you would mind?

There's a similar story going back to 2004 about Moore phoning an opponent, Gap Kim, and suggesting that Kim run against someone else. But in that case Kim had the voicemail to prove it. In this case it's just Bouza's word against Moore's.

Or is it? There's one way to verify at least which way the calls went, if not the content of them, and I'm surprised IA didn't ask for it. (On second thought, I'm not, given the Mercury's conspiracy theory approach to Santa Clara politics.)

Let's see the call records. If Moore called Bouza, that call will show up as an incoming call on Bouza's number and an outgoing call on Moore's number. If Bouza called Moore, the calls will show up the other way 'round.

I say: Put up or shut up. Send them to me at cschuk@earthlink.net and I'll publish them here. My guess? Let's put it this way. I'll be real surprised to see any call records.

(And for the betting folks among you, how long do you think it will be before the Woodward & Bernsteins at IA "discover" the long arm of Gary Gillmor somewhere in this?)